Wednesday, April 20, 2011

Illusion: A Reality

She started the book by saying that she feels cheated. Cheated because she failed to see what the reality was. She had dodged reality all her life till the time it came and presented itself in the most grotesque manner. And when it did, she was lucky enough to get new opportunities in life. And the situations were so larger than life for her that survival became the issue. If she continued to stay, she fought voraciously. And she soon came to a clear understanding of her capabilities that proved supernatural when combined with her intensity. She would accomplish in 2 days what others took 2 years or sometimes half of a lifetime to achieve.

But today, her situation was not a matter of death or life. She dealt with them just fine. Today it was the matter of her freedom. She was trapped, or at least she thought so. She was trapped in the idea of being a part of someone but forgot to make him a part of her. She felt cheated because in her reality she didn't exist. She always existed in others' reality. She took their interpretation of her and believed herself to be that. She never realized this and always echoed the thoughts of others in her actions and words. Whenever she expressed her thoughts, things always broke. May be, just may be, she felt cheated because her existence was being formed and it pained. She didn't want to break anything this time.

In this process, she could see her pieces crumbling very slowly. The hurt was ignored, the pain not noticed. But who defined pain for her? She did, of course. She never let anyone else tell her that she was in pain. When people told her she was hurt, she felt fine and when she told herself that, she created it so strongly that it seemed difficult for her to even breathe.

She was no ordinary woman. Her mind, her words, her capabilities always told people that. She believed otherwise. And that is why there was a constant need of hearing it from people. Her power grew from what people believed in and not what she had.

Her anchor in reality, you ask? None.

She saw someone in pain and cried for him, never realizing why she cried. And after she cried she, she thought it was pointless. She saw someone dancing with joy, she still cried. Why? Well someone was happy but who would cry for her. No one she believed. What was her pain? Nobody knew but the depth she had could only surface from deep hurt.

Do you think she knows the cause of her feelings? Are feelings not good enough? Why do we look for causes? And when she said she did not believe in the causes, she was tagged. Tagged as what? How would you tag a woman like that...

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